ZELDA SHTUFF
by Saga Genesis
Summary: Um..random episodes 4 the following characters: Link, Malon, Zelda, Darunia, Impa, Ganon, Nabooru and thats all i can remember! R&R PLEASE!


I HAD AN ACCOUNT. It was deleted, and I had 6 stories going on, probably only 2 in here. Such as WHAT LURKS IN THE KITCHEN, and something else that I forgot about. Oh well, this is my new account, with the same Pen Name. This story is pretty much just all stuff I randomly think up of. It's really weird, and it's supposed to be like several stories in one fanfiction! It's pretty cool if you think about it. Anyway, now you shall READ!

ZELDA SHTUFF!

**THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEME SONG!**

Confusion and illusion 

_Compounded with no solution_

_Malon is in 1830 _

_Ganon's getting down and dirty_

Link has a monkey for a head 

_Zelda's to scared to get out of bed_

_Link ALSO lives in a plastic bubble_

_Impa hopelessly advertises_

_Darunia's covered in siriasis _

Nabooru is painfully obvious 

_Saria's nowhere and knows not how to floss _(I couldn't think of anything!)

Why has Saga gone so cray-Z? 

_Who should we blame it on her brothers, the monkey or should it be Jay-Z?_

_She used to be coo'_

_Now she a foo' _

_That Saga Genesis with a monkey attached to her head._

~~~~{The Diary Of Malon Lon-Lon}~~~~

I have noticed my husband today seems ever so elegantly afraid. I am not sure, but I believe there is a faint chance that he may just be spending his money on one too many books, you see. * Shows Link with acne (sp?) and wearing a scraggly white shirt and a black top hat, shaking strangely. * 

Link: (pompous accent): What are you looking at woman! Do you want to see my head, YOU DO DON'T YOU?

Malon: Quite right husband dear.

Link: I'LL SHOW YOU!

And to my horror, when my beloved lifted his ever so beautifully laced top hat, there lurked a monkey! It's head was inhumanly attached to his, but that wasn't what I was happy about. I was happy that my lover had his ever so delicate hair back! Offcourse, now it was brown and very coarse, but I am still happy for him. That Ashley & Martins did absolutely nothing for him, I am very happy. But it seems that he has fleas. And lice, and dandruff. And is starting hair loss, even though it seems to immediately grow back. Maybe it is just the monkey shedding?

Malon: Husband dearest, may I elegantly inquire you?

Link: Yes, me too.

Malon: Ehem, where did you get that monkey attached to your head?

Link: At that clinic, Clinic What's-It's-Name. 

Malon: Ah yes, and who treated you may I ask?

Link: Oh, that cruel man, uh, what was his name? He has a strange cat called Evil.

Malon: You mean The Evil Clinic Man Pulsating, Bloated, Festering, Sweaty, Puss-filled, Malformed, Slug For A Butt? 

Link: Yes, that one. And a fine job- ooo ah oh ah ahhhh!

Malon: I must investigate this strange turn of events. *Malon runs outside*

I spotted a cleverly disguised carriage that was headed to Clinic What's-It's-Name. 

SIGN ON BLACK CARRIAGE IN BRIGHT WHITE PAINTING

THIS CARRIAGE IS HEADED TOWARDS CLINIC WHAT'S-IT'S-NAME. HOP ON THE BACK FOR A RIDE, BE CAREFUL WOMEN WITH BIG, PUFFY, YELLOW DRESSES AND HIGH HEELS. 

I realised that I was wearing a big puffy yellow, frilly dress. No matter, I shall make it. I cleverly thought of hopping onto the back of this black carriage, therefore being able to take up some time. So I hopped on the back, and the carriage started on it's way and into the street. Suddenly, and unfortunately, my dress lifted slightly as I leaned my perfect body on the frame of the carriage, showing my ever so delicate ankles.

Man: THIS IS UNHEARD OF!

Man2: WHORE!

Man3: PROSTITUTE!

Man4: ANKLE SLUT! 

*Priest and Policeman grab Malon and carry her away, covering up her ankles with the policeman's helmet and side stepping away*

But alas, I am but I woman. And it is in the year 1830.

~~~~~ {Diary Of Malon Lon-Lon Closes} ~~~~~

TUNE IN NEXT TIME ON- WHERE'S MY PANTS- WHOOPS I MEAN, ZELDA SHTUFF TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT TO MALON LON LON.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

Impa walks through nappy isles, walking past many people. She glances at the camera and stares for 10 minutes or more.

Impa: OH! Hello, didn't see you there. I am Impa Sheikahimochanalakoko. I'd like to tell you about this great deal from INSTA-SOAK®! *Shows HUGE packet with a picture of a baby wearing a nappy. Normal enough right? WRONG O! The nappy is elevated to about 3 feet in the air* 

Impa: INSTA-SOAK® provides your children with the protection they need. It soaks up their waste, and inflates the bottom, so that the child may reach heights never achieved before! Unless they're like, super baby, or maybe one of those really tall babies that can reach the cookie jar, doesn't matter where you put it. I saw a movie about a killer baby on-*Cookie jar flies and hits her head*OW! Sorry, it's relevant if you think about it though. Anyway...uh…BUY IT NOW OR DIE!

*Cow lands on Impa* Insta-soak for you and your brat 

_Doesn't soak up any of your crap_

THE NOT SO BOLD AND THE KINDA BEAUTIFUL 

* Shows Zelda Sitting in her nightie and laying in her bed, peeking out from underneath her blankets*

Zelda: Yes, I had a good sleep last night. But…but I feel some strange evil spirit of some sort is here, just waiting for the chance to strike. Like as soon as I get out of my bed, they will reach out from under my bed, take me under and rape me. What's that you say? I'm being crazy? No, no I don't believe I am. Why, dust mites could reach out and attack me at any time! 

*Darunia runs in*

Darunia: Zelda, my love! I have news that I must tell you if we are to wed!

Zelda: What is it, my love?

Darunia: I am not really a Goron; there is no such thing as a Goron! We are all really fat Hyrulians covered in…

Zelda: In?

Darunia *tearing up*: SIRIASIS! I do not really dance; I am secretly scratching my bottom! I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier, but I cannot rid myself of this siriasis. Now Zellie, we must wed today! Quick, get out of bed lover!

Zelda: I cannot.

Darunia: Why not Zelda?

Zelda: Because…

Darunia: Because?

* Screen closes in on Zelda*

Zelda: I cannot tell you, Darunia. I am sorry.

Darunia: YOU MUST! Or…or I must…or I must…

FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT TIME ON THE NOT SO BOLD AND KINDA BEAUTIFUL ON ZELDA SHTUFF!

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

* Screen shows Impa in a white cloak and working*

Impa: Hello! In Big Curtain College, you'll get the training you need to deal with real life and death situations. * Walks through into room where a man is dictating to the media.*

Impa: They'll learn from REAL crappy politicians that are at this very time poor, being hunted down and basically the sh** of the Earth, such as Pauline Hanson! * Shows Pauline Hanson with no pants on and camera's being thrown at her, along with boomerangs and chairs and numerous bullets zooming for her ugly rectangle head, or should I say IT'S? *

*Walks into hallway where numerous nerds are being beaten up by Jocks and Jocks are being shot by Gangster's. *

Impa; And they'll learn how to react when told bad news.

*Shows students making riots, sicking their dogs on the Dean and tarting massive Gang wars* 

Impa: So come to Cig Curtain College, where everyone's a loser! 

NABOORU'S HOUSE or BIG HOLLOW STONE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT IF YOU WILL

Nabooru: Hi! I'm here to tell you about my completely obvious facts, some have even sent people to make rots or kill! Others were submitted to mental hospitals. Will you be the first to commit suicide?

NABOORU'S FACTS-

People have hair.

Afghanistan is poor

Ali G has a movie

My name is Nabooru

Ganondorf has orange hair

Gerudoes are mostly scantily clad and give many convicts hard ons for $500 a minute

I have big puffy pants

The Goddess Din looks like a Gerudo

NABOORU'S WEIRD STUFF

-In parliament I once ordered a pizza with extra cheese and three extra layers of bacon with five bottles of ketchup and ate one slice and gave the rest to Ganondorf who promptly danced like an elf and renamed himself Poo-poo the tree of Never-never land. 

-The TV show, Burke's Backyard is not filmed in Burkes Backyard.

-Insta-soak has caused 348605843 deaths in the US alone, mainly because that is the only state that doesn't give a crap about what is sold. 

- If you shake a can of coke for really long and then spray it in Link's hair he will have a "Spleen Attack" and burst. 

-OWWWWWWWW YOU'RE CRACKING MY CRANIUM

-Peter Puppy from Earthworm Jim is quite the scary one when transformed into that big monster thingy.

- If you press the thing-a-ma-bob next to the shiziddoozle above the a la something, your thingy will explode in that country somewhere in Jamaica's finest Train Set. 

Nabooru: and that's it for today! Remember, I don't remember what you are supposed to remember. Oh yes, Ganon's here, HURRY UP I DON'T WANT THAT PUSS-FILLED HEAD OF YOURS TOUCHING THAT MOTORBIKE HELMET I BOUGHT YOU AND MADE YOU WEAR!

Ganondorf: Okay.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

SNOT A PROBLEM

* Shows beautiful little baby in a snot bubble* 

(Link's Voice): Hi, I'm Link Gotnoname; I was born without an immunity system. Well, to tell the truth, I was, but I'm stuck in a bubble of my own snot. I know, it's sad, but I've learnt to deal with it. I can play baseball…

* Shows Link when he's 6 standing on a baseball field. The baseball hits him and goes flying, and Link rolls over the bases and anyone in his way* 

I tried American football, but it just wasn't for me. * Other huge kids roll Link into a locker and close the locker door* 

I remember when I first got home, when I was 4…

Link is wheeled out in his snot bubble, and some neighbourhood kids look at him. Big, strong, mean neighbourhood kids, that is*

The kids really liked me! They even wanted to play ball, but mom is quite protective. *Kids ditch ball at Link but his mom grabs it and pops it with am pin, then proceeds to yell at them and jump in a mini cart and chase them away*

Link: I'll tell you the story of my Snotty life on the next episode of, SNOT A PROBLEM.

GANON'S RANDOM CRAP

IIIIIIIIIIIIIT'S TIME FOR…EVIL MEN IN SUITS TIME! ON TODAYS SHOW, IS GANON, JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER NIGHT AND EVERY NIGHT TO COME! 

Ganon: Hello and welcome you ungrateful swine! Today I'll be singing you a certain song I've never sung before. And, here it is!

I was walking down the street one day, one day 

_When who should I see but Link Gotnoname_

_I went up to him and this is what I say,_

_" Get outta my way!"_

_" I'll kill you now or I'll kill you later!"_

_I was walking in the hood one day, one day,_

_When who should I see but Saria_

_She was sitting on the back of the front of the back of the curb_

_But she wasn't sitting on cu-urb!_

_She said, " Grab my ass or I'll grab yours!" _

_So I turned her into a restaurant with 9 floors! _

_This was this chick called Nabooru wit puffy pants_

_She loved to strip, dance and prance_

_I say, " Why dun you kill this guy called Mcleavege?"_

_She say," Yo you foo' he see mah cleavage!" _

_So I go to the nightclub to see my homey_

_I find him in the corner smokin' that chrome-y_

_He says he smoke betta than me_

_I say, " I smoke like a chim-en-y!"_

_" I smoke like a thugs gun after shooting his enemy!" _

Ganon: And that's my rap for today! Tune in next time to see, PARRAPA THA RAPPA! He's my number one homey neg-ro! 

END ZELDA SHTUFF

SG: Well I hope ya'll learned something from this uneducational crap. Tune in next time to see the continuation of your favourite show! Don't forget, R&R or I'll eat your head!


End file.
